The happiest times seem spent studying Father's Word and growing in Her Wisdom.

Every other time is in working for and towards Father.

It doesn't seem like a good thing to go to work and be thinking about what one would like to do once they get off of work.  On one hand, that may make the work unbearable because one begins to yearn for something else, rather than what they have at hand.  At the core of it, though, it is like putting one's mind ahead of what they need to be doing at the current time.  Perhaps looking forward to something isn't a problem, just as we as Christ's followers look forward to the Millennium rule.  Taking away from one's current work because one's mind is set on something else is another situation all together.

Looking forward to fleshly and fleeting things is never a good thing.

Learning lessons is a continuous learning process.  Some a learned with difficulty, others before something difficult does come about.

1 Corinthians 6:12 -- "Everything is permissible for me," but not everything is helpful. "Everything is permissible for me," but I will not be brought under the control of anything.

Being freed from being controlled under anything is truly a gift from Father.

John 14:26 (the translation online is a bit skewed because of software)

I have held onto the belief that Father will indefinitely remind me of the things I need to remember.  Much more, Father has continued to teach and guide me in all the things that have been provided.

A long while ago, I learned an important lesson about desire, in that I should not ever allow my desire to go towards fleshly things.  This involved food.  One day, I had started trying to contemplate what it was that the body required in order to have the nutrients it was seeking.  I had pondered it quite a bit, and the whole concept had gone out of proportion.  In fact, even starting to ponder that sort of fleeting thing was a sin.  I learned to stay away from such thinking, and that such pondering was not acceptable.  I tried to share that with others, but I was...told that I was wrong about what I was thinking.  A long time ago, back in High School, before I even came to know about Father's Ministry, I was told that certain thoughts and desires were okay and were just natural.  I don't think I have a right to be upset, but I still feel a bit angry...  Perhaps it was more in my lack of ability to even express myself...  Even now it seems a bit difficult to actually express what it is on my mind and in my heart.

The point of the problem wasn't ever the feeling or the desire, but its influential capacity it had on me.  I had no control over how certain desires would effect me, in what I would think when certain things were seen, or how something would cull me into certain activities or patterns of thought.  It was literally being in prison to my own heart.  I can stand not eating and abstain from food for days at a time, even in the midst of being in a restaurant and perhaps even being ordered for.  What I didn't like was how the desire would direct my mind in a certain way that I couldn't stop.  If I were told that that sort of lack of control is okay, now, I think I'd cut the conversation off right there.  That sort of lack of control sounds...the word that comes to mind is sociopathic.  Thank Father, so much.

An interesting pattern I have seen in myself is that when I am tormented, I seek the cause or root of the reason behind my torment.  Understanding the problem helps to handle it, such as a heartsickness, but it doesn't actually ever solve the problem.  To tell the truth, I still have not found any solutions, outside of prayer towards Father, and doing anything and everything to control oneself.  Things in one's heart truly cannot be molded out of one's own action.  The most interesting part was that when those things that were tormenting my heart were finally gone, I wondered if I ever needed them to begin with.  A couple times, I have even just sort of jumped right to thinking that I don't need them, and it doesn't matter.  If the desire never needed to be satisfied, why then did I ever satisfy it?  If all that is necessary is food and sleep and work to keep the body going, then that is what I felt was all I needed.  Yet, apparently, the heart requires so much more to keep going.  But each time some part of the heart was cut off, or turned off, I would ponder why it was even active, or even if it is a necessary part.

Funny thing is that even laughter can be turned off in one's heart, amongst tons of other emotions and desires.  A desire to be partnered was turned off for a very short period of time at one point.  It was turned back on.  Desires in many other respects all have been turned off, including the seeking of entertainment or playing video games.  All turned off.  Perhaps something that does upset Father Yahweh is to have any part of one's heart turned off, because it is literally a turning off of one's full capacity.  It's like Father didn't give us something for us not to use it properly, or for us to become tormented by it.

And interestingly enough, only at horrible extremes has any part of my heart been turned off.  One part being...one thing, of which I still have not allowed to grow, and thankfully has not, but because I did not exert enough self control at certain points, it had to be put down.  This other part was in seeking comfort, entertainment, or the like, which caused me to become so heartsick that I was literally impaired in different parts.  That had to be turned off, as well, or it would have only created further destruction and deterioration.  It was like a sinking ship, and certain parts needed to be closed off for the greater good.  Some parts are still alive, but only because they can be purely fulfilled, rather than allowing any part of this world to suffocate the senses that Father has provided.

To this moment, though, I recall having been concerned, as well, that the lesson about not being controlled by fleshly desire would be...undone, and that there were still other fleshly desires that needed to be rooted out, but I couldn't find them, and nor was I shown that I should go on a snipe hunt to do so.  That concern definitely showed itself to be...something that did come to pass.  I don't ever want to repeat mistakes that have already been made, but...even that may come to pass again if I am not vigilant.  Yet, even a small bug can slip passed one's watch, which would be a greater detriment.

I don't want to live this life and build upon the regret of what I have done blindly.  Much more, I don't want to live blindly, ignorantly, or asleep.  It is already difficult for a person to sleep when it is already sunrise, trying to fight the Truth of Father's Light would be just like the futile fight that evil continues to wage.  Yet, regardless of the futility, my desire isn't for the darkness, but for the Light, and regardless of the conflict and war that may continue to wage inside my heart because of conflicting desire, I cannot and will not allow the things of the flesh to influence me to act upon them.

The heart is deceitful, so even the desires one has may not actually be pointing one in a direction they might think they are.  Father can save oneself even from their own self.  So long as anything hasn't gone too far, but it doesn't mean that the rescue will be...pleasant for Father.  If one accidentally cultivates the wrong things out of mistakes they did not intend for, but has not allowed themselves to willfully sin out of those mistakes, there seem to still be hope.  It won't be easy for the one whom makes those mistakes, though.

Something I found that was following a pattern that has continued before was in how I had to let go of certain things in order for Father to be able to start healing, or to be able to take action.  At the same time, I had to learn certain lessons before the discipline was over, so that the lessons might be instilled and keep me from walking into any further traps or walking off the narrow path.  Not only learn, but understand, and cultivate Wisdom in light of the discipline.

I hope I don't ever lose this key again.  It is not in indulging in fleshly desire, or trying to figure out how to fulfill any desire.  It is not in the total abstinence from desire, either.  It's in fulfilling Father's Will no matter what one desires.  There is an appropriate way to fulfill any desire Father shares with one's heart, but the world does not have it.  If one burns with desire but Father's Wisdom has shown no solution exists within or around oneself, they must patiently wait for Father's rescue, even amongst all their pain.  It is not okay to ignore the advice Father has provided in turn for appeasing one's own desires.  Things may seem okay, but even while a person is asleep, things may seem okay.  One will either serve Father wholly, or be torn and in consistent conflict between serving Father, and the world.  Or, they will serve the world wholly.  The world cannot save even itself, but Father does have that ability.